baby i love you and the morning do
a little smile on my lips and the taste of you

here is something honest

i feel...

vulnerable
uncomfortable
insecure

these days.

after talking to my close friends, i realize i am not alone. what is it about this time in our lives? is it 26? i don't remember 24 feeling like this. transitions, the pull inside that wants both stability of commitment (one place, one job, one love) and the freedom to come and go as i please. deciding one moment i want all, and the next none of these... how to make a positive contribution to the world in some way, while surviving, while thriving. i could go on and analyze it, i have. but something new to try....

it's ok that i feel this way now. that's all.

devil

i am sorry for what has been done to you
in seeking a fraction of the feeling
of what you simply are

they call you devil
because they fear god
you are rundown in every sense
why trust me now?

run free, if you choose to
stand with me, if you choose to
but choose me for love
not fear, not avoidance of pain

i refuse
to kick your protruding ribs
to slap your bony ass
your actions mirror my insecurities
and show me what work must be done

great teacher
take this journey with me
let us build strength together
carry me and i will spread my wings

hearts like eyes open to the skies above
grounded in eternal love
trust again

*

find me suspended forever in time where fear and love collide.

conserve

most sticky saturdays
i'd be alongside lemon inspired entrepreneurs
garden hose waving
saturating whatever had the will to grow
and drowning worms with the excess

now i know that is irresponsible.

this is not a parade for unity or independence
i've nothing left to fill your pockets
and my teeth are rotting in my own sweetness

when did i become so cautious?


as if love is something that i can
run out of

good move

i made a good decision. i don't think any decision i have ever made has ever felt so right. it is one of those things where i just know i am where i am supposed to be right now. even though we are always where we are supposed to be and the only place we can be in at any one moment... it is becoming increasingly clear to me that i knew this was what i wanted all along. i don't know why i was so afraid to take the leap sooner. last summer i sat with meghan and claire at collegetown bagels here in town and voiced my intentions. today i sit in my apartment here and live them. this morning everything stopped spinning and i woke up ready to tackle some of the deeper ambitions on my list of summer daydreams. i love this.

bubble wonder

today while i was babysitting we got out the bubble wand and i took a series of photos. later i noticed what i thought to be green and blue orbs in several of them. i consulted a photo wizard and in his expert opinion they totally could be orbs, but could also be lens flare. i believe them to be orbs, and if you met this child, you would understand why they would be drawn to him. he is spilling over with pure childhood curiosity, wonder and bliss. this is my favorite shot.

unpacking to move on

it's time to move again. looking back i see a trend- moves mark transitions for me. my family moved before elementary school, before high school, and as i entered college. i moved into college, after graduating, and again before graduate school. entering a new space externally signals a new beginning internally. even the ending of my love relationships have included insurmountable space between us. i know i created some of that space in an attempt to begin the emotional separation.

i am beginning to wonder if i don't trust my ability to grow and evolve without this physical manifestation of space. although space is necessary for growth- for a plant to sprout, or a thought to evolve, or a heart to breathe. a move to a town so nurturing to the creative and intuitive parts of my being seems too good to be true and too selfish. the guilt is something that i am trying to let dissipate with each breath i take.

i am experiencing a rebirth of myself. i am grateful for the ability to finally listen to my heart, for moving through the fear and trusting my ability to be ok on my own. although lonely at times, i am comforted by a sense of relief and gratitude inside me for this gesture.

as i start packing up my things, i am becoming aware of all that i am bringing with me to this new place. what i want to leave behind seems just as important as what i want to bring with me. is there a way to carry with me the wisdom and insight i have gained from these recent painful experiences, and leave the fear and guilt behind? if i were not physically packing up my things, i would still be unpacking at this time in my life. i will try to remember this part of the process of moving on as well so that i do not run away for the summer, only to wish i had a much lighter backpack.

summer sun

although i am trying to be present in this moment, (right here, typing with the fan, the birds, the breeze) summer is gently and persistently tugging at my heart and constructing elaborate daydreams which i watch all day like old movies reeling on a shaky projector.

my favorite parts:

dancing in the grass
too large sunglasses and sun in my eyes
meditating in nature
finding and strengthening my voice
expressing my heart with my hands
ithaca's creative collective energy
horses as teachers
kissing
floating in the lake
friends that touch my soul
experiencing summer through a child's eyes
opening my heart
letting go, creating space
healing