home

in telling the story of who i am

i sometimes forget parts

thank you friends and family

for reminding me what i forgot

showing me how i've grown

and not asking me to tell it again

it's christmas day

and i am onto new year's plans

i'm not even in my christmas sweater yet

or at my uncle's house

feeling scratchy and sweaty and eating things wrapped in bacon

that will happen later

but i am on to new year's plans

and the way i'll feel once i execute them

i am thinking of the yoga classes i will take

that will stretch out my aching body

and make my eyes shine glossy bright

and the scarves i will knit

the kind that you don't wrap, but drape and loop and coil

maybe with a button, or a pocket

with soft soft wool, and many different colors

all on one scarf

the kind of scarf that will stop the trendy girls in the street

and make them dote on me

i am thinking about the horses

i am always thinking about the horses

dreamer

he is beautiful (like spinner)

like someone painted all the brown hairs black

and just left the white alone

or maybe that is just what i want to see

after almost 2 years

i can't talk about him without hiding

when someone asks and listens with their heart

if i take this chance

i may love

i may learn

i may lose

a lot

my heart was set the moment i saw him

*

coty dreams

i don't know what he dreams about

his paws twitch

he barks, muffled barks, that must sound very loud in his dream

maybe he is at the dog park

maybe he is in a pack of wild dogs

maybe he is chasing leo

yesterday i had a biofeedback session and cleanse

i felt the vibrations in my body and organs and muscles

i got tired

my biocleanse water turned orange with black flecks

that means purification of joints and metals

my joints have been cracking a lot

i have been stiff

and stifled

they talked about parasites

i don't know if they meant energy parasites or actual parasites

last night i had a dream

i was pulling ticks off zoe

a lot of them

big fat corn ticks

as i pulled them off they began to turn into fat pink slug-like ticks

i found a way to slide them off gently

all of them

maybe something was cleansed/released/transformed/pushed

dream bullets

*meeting ani difranco who used to be a speech pathologist at eugene hearing and speech

*drinking the sweetest milk i ever drank local and hormone free with blueberries floating in it and eating meatless sausage that i thought was real meat

if i could make one wish for the world

it would be world peace

and zoe louise forever.

things i want to learn

felting
knitting
how to calm a horse with my energy
how to calm myself
diligence with my 'vegetarian' diet
to be true

i am here and i am ready

from zayneb and the alchemist

which i have not read, but must!

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

“Every second of the search is an encounter with God,” the boy told his heart.

"if you don't know where you're going

any road will take you there"

slow leo

i thought he was going to learn to be potty trained in a corner of my house.
i thought he was going to learn the sound of my voice and come crawling over to me.
i thought we were going to be the stars of the park.

the reality is:

he peed on me.
he hisses at me.
he is so cute.

he is the closest thing i have ever seen to a dinosaur.
coty loves him.

my dream is not a dream

i am moving for the sixth consecutive summer in a row. (how do i still have so much stuff?) i like to spend springtime searching craigslist for a new apartment. and new furniture. and a new job. and maybe just maybe a new dog. and a new barn. and so today i found this, in eugene, oregon. this woman has manifested a longtime dream of mine. and i can't wait to get out there and meet her. maybe it is time i stick around just a little longer in one place and *see*what*happens*

buzz buzz

instead of getting interested
i'll drink coffee
busy bees outside my window
inspire a career change

this will have to do for now

we are so busy trying to sell each other stuff

we have forgotten how to live

or why

you are not the biggest or the brightest star
you are my sun

we are almost 80 percent water
and corporations are buying it all
and selling it back to us in plastic bottles

how can they buy and sell what we are made of?

my dad's chin

is a strawberry butt.

i miss him.

why don't people know what to do?

the way my cat knows what to do
or a bird
or a bear
or a whale
or an elephant

they do what they do
because it is all they can do
and they do it so well

the wild ones know
and they will fly or swim or walk
thousands of miles
because that is where they are going

and now i am doing what i do
is this what i do?

lead with your heart

yoga class tonight
hip openers like floodgates
inversions let the weight from my chest
spill out my head and onto the mat
one breath flows into one breath flows
i hold mine
for the fear that i won't have enough
for what is next

i trust people because i want to
not because i do

i see the good in people because i do

the birds they sang
at the break of day
start again
I heard them say
don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
ah the wars they will
be fought again
the holy dove
she will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in.


sweet sweet words of leonard cohen

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

-Marianne Williamson