Sunday, May 24, 2009

unpacking to move on

it's time to move again. looking back i see a trend- moves mark transitions for me. my family moved before elementary school, before high school, and as i entered college. i moved into college, after graduating, and again before graduate school. entering a new space externally signals a new beginning internally. even the ending of my love relationships have included insurmountable space between us. i know i created some of that space in an attempt to begin the emotional separation.

i am beginning to wonder if i don't trust my ability to grow and evolve without this physical manifestation of space. although space is necessary for growth- for a plant to sprout, or a thought to evolve, or a heart to breathe. a move to a town so nurturing to the creative and intuitive parts of my being seems too good to be true and too selfish. the guilt is something that i am trying to let dissipate with each breath i take.

i am experiencing a rebirth of myself. i am grateful for the ability to finally listen to my heart, for moving through the fear and trusting my ability to be ok on my own. although lonely at times, i am comforted by a sense of relief and gratitude inside me for this gesture.

as i start packing up my things, i am becoming aware of all that i am bringing with me to this new place. what i want to leave behind seems just as important as what i want to bring with me. is there a way to carry with me the wisdom and insight i have gained from these recent painful experiences, and leave the fear and guilt behind? if i were not physically packing up my things, i would still be unpacking at this time in my life. i will try to remember this part of the process of moving on as well so that i do not run away for the summer, only to wish i had a much lighter backpack.

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